I Am a Mother

My identity has changed.

I've had some baby blues, but last night I had a breakthrough. I realized how bonded I'd become with the baby when I tried to feed her a bottle at 11 p.m. and wanted to cry. Let's be honest: did cry.

There's nothing wrong with bottles or formula. This is just my experience.

I also realized how much I love my baby when I went to Target to pick up some diapers and smelled them, and a huge smile crossed my face and I wanted to rush home to her.

I'm also starting to get used to being up nights. It's difficult but truly getting easier - something I hadn't thought about. I don't know why, but I honestly didn't think that this could get "normal." Thank God it does. Of course, I'm talking about one night here. We'll see if I'm spewing the same come tomorrow and the next day.

Collin has been great about bearing the load with me. We're lucky in that he doesn't have an eight-to-five, in-office job, and I have the month off, so now that I can drive, he makes sure I can get out a little. I was freaking out about him leaving during the day at first (mostly because I want to be selfish and NOT tied to my house and live the life I lived before, free as a bird), but a dear friend reminded me that who I am a wife and mother is probably much more sane than who I would be (and have been) without.

Anyway, here is our little Drue bear.


I sang "Jesus, Lover of My Soul" to her the other day while she was settling down, and I realized how much she depends on us, as we are to depend on Jesus. What a beautiful picture painted before me. Unfortunately, I forget it all too often and think I'm doing this all alone. Thank God I'm not. And thank God she's not.

"Other refuge have I none
I helpless hang on thee
Leave, oh, leave me not alone
Support and comfort me
All my trust on thee is stayed
All help from thee I bring
Cover my defensless head
In the shadow of thy wing."

Let's be honest: I had trouble not boo-hooing through this verse.

In a change of subject...
I never thought I'd have to have a c-section, especially for such a tiny thing. I took the tape off my incision today. Strange to think that's where she finally came from - after a labor to remember. I'd go back and do it again in a heartbeat.

Still getting used to this mother thing though.

"They float down here. And when you're down here, you'll float too!"

I finished Jodi Picoult's The Pact this morning. I don't know what I think about the ending. The whole book was depressing. Parents who don't know their kids; kids who don't know who they are. It was well written and compelling, as usual; she's one of those who can break rules and it's OK. But the ending. Was it too quick? I like that she ended with the climax and wrapped up in an epilogue, but I felt there was one bit of information lacking.

I don't want to ruin this book for anyone, so that's all I'll say, but if you've read The Pact, did you think there was at least one bit of information lacking in the epilogue, or did you love how it was done?

My husband is finally conquering his fear of Stephen King's It. He's been afraid of the story, or the Pennywise the clown, since the movie came out on TV in 1990. He's on page 753 of the book now and loving it, which is validating to me, as it's one of my favorite books.

I would love it if he started reading fiction regularly. He's already a great idea man and has been helping me with my novel a bit (although sometimes I have to tell him to save it; the plot is the plot, and these other fantastic ideas can go into other stories), and I think his reading fiction will make for some fun conversation. Not as though we don't already have great conversation, but how cool would it be to talk about psychology, research, AND story, among other things, of course.

4:54 p.m. + 7 working days

Just finished an incredibly sad and moving story about an American nurse working in Saudi Arabia. Remind me to tell you about it.

In other news: just finished the backmatter for an incredibly sad and moving story about an American nurse working in Saudi Arabia. Remind me to tell you how to get a copy of the book once it releases.

And finally: the book does has some non-sadness about it.

Awry in Arabia by Mary D. Kavanwal

Psycho Editor is Unable to See Beyond Technicalities, Becomes Depressed

I've noticed that I often get so caught up in structure that I forget character - that, to me, structure trumps character. But this seems crazy. Could this be true?

When I've asked job candidates the question, "What makes or breaks a (fiction) book for you?" nine times out of ten the candidate's answer has been "character." And nine times out of ten I have snickered and thought, How cliche. Do you really know what you mean by that?

But the truth is: character is a fine answer. Often times whether I've liked or cared about a character was the reason I kept reading a book and didn't throw it across the room. So why do I have such trouble digging into this area when I'm editing a book? Why is it always: plot structure, holes, story questions, plates, stimulus-response, dialogue tags, etc.?

Probably because these are the things I studied in grad school. But also because these are simply the things that stick out to me.

Last month, however, I felt I did at least one of my authors a disservice by not talking character and focusing on other, what I thought were, larger issues. And maybe they were larger issues, but regardless of whether this author goes back and fixes all of her dialogue and answers or doesn't answer certain story questions, there is still the issue of, Do I really know and love these characters? What could she do to make me care about them more?

It's not as I don't have pages and pages of knowledge on this stored away as well. I just seldom bring it up. Ugh.

This month: I focus on character. I see what happens. I dig deeper. I don't forget about the rules, but I am honest about how I feel about the characters in the books I'm editing and whether they really impact the reader.

This month: I get back to work on my novel.

This month: I have a baby.

This month: Angela and I make this magazine happen.

And then I don't sleep for a while, because hey, it's May. I can't believe it's already May. I had a big realization when I left work Thursday that today it would be May. And months go fast. And at the end of this month comes new life. Whoa.

A Follow Up

BACK TO HUMOROUS CREATIVE NON-FICTION:

A writer friend asked what I ended up sharing with the author whose memoir I edited and posted on earlier this month.

Had I given the book more time before posting I would have seen that there were moments of depth in the story and ultimatley a well-contructed story with a clear story arc. I spent most of my notes discussing story structure, tense, and the inclusion of a second voice. However, there was also something to be said about the at-times too intense humor toward the beginning of the book.

So I addressed where the author was pushing it; where hyperbole was too obvious; where humor could have worked better if focused differently (e.g.,not just on sex; that gets boring, is too easy, and can exude an image the author doesn't want to portray). That's not to say I don't appreciate both brokenness and redemption. I do. I read mainstream women's fiction and get a kick out of the crass humor at times. But there's no denying it can be a little...bleh. Have you SEEN SNL lately?

It was a good read, and I'm excited to look over the polished product next month.

An Awakening of the Mind

A fellow editor and I were walking back to our computers after a nice walk to Homeland, and she asked, "Bruce Springsteen or Huey Lewis?" I had to go with Huey Lewis. I don't know much Springsteen but grew up with The News. Then she said, "Huey Lewis or Billy Joel?" I had to go with Billy Joel. Then somehow Phil Collins came up, and she said, "He beats 'em all!"

I realized that growing up I thought that every Phil Collins song I heard on the radio was just a Phil Collins song. I knew of a band called Gensis, didn't I? But weren't they just a side project for Phil Collins for some short period of time?

Well, no. Duh.

I then realized that I now knew that Genesis was something bigger than I'd always suspected, but that I'd still never learned much about the band. So, I finally took to Wikipedia tonight and learned about Genesis, and whoa...what a project. I had no idea. Basically every Phil Collins song I ever loved growing up (aside from "In the Air Tonight" and "Sussudio" and the song about the homeless lady) was indeed a product of Genesis. Even less did I know that Peter Gabriel (holy cow) was the original singer of this band.

I am now up to speed on Genesis, at age 30.

"If you didn't do some crying while writing this book, then the book's not done."

QUESTION: Can a person write his or her autobiography or memoir (there is a distinct difference) without crying at some point?

I'm editing a memoir right now that is very well done. There are some issues to be addressed, sure. But they're all very common and easy fixes (so far), except for one...

The author is good at humor. This is a skill. This is great. I read the Table of Contents and laughed. That was good.

Yes, there are moments that the humor can be cut, when it is forced or the hyperbole is too obvious. No problem. But this is a story about brokenness and disfunction. It is the story of a mother, daughter, and daughter's daughter trio. There are some really sad truths behind the humor, and sometimes I want to cry instead of laugh, but I can't, because the author won't let me. She forces me to laugh.

Is this good? Is it okay? Will readers feel cheated, or am I just an emotional basketcase who enjoys crying too much?

I've written some of my own story, and there was a lot of crying involved in that endeavor. Perhaps I didn't see enough humor in it as I was writing; there's definitely humor there; but that wasn't the purpose of the exercise, so maybe what I'm really doing here is asking this author to do what I did. Maybe I'm being too subjective.

In conclusion, because I'm clearly failing to pull my thoughts together: I'm going to think through these things and find a cohesive way to express them to the author. Currently my note reads: "Your reader wants to feel like you’re telling the truth more often. If you didn’t do some crying while writing this book, then the book’s not done. Some of the harsh reality needs to come through; I think a person who picks up this book doesn’t want just a humor book. And a book that makes you laugh AND cry will make you all the more marketable."

Still thinking...

(Also, in case you were wondering, that's only a snippet of my thoughts-note.)